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The African Renaissance Hoer-o-scope for Politicians

by Zebulon Dread

ARIES
Your best bet at survival is not a crash course in intelligence, because frankly, you weren’t born with it, but rather a quiet visit to the sangomas where you must plead forgiveness from the ancestors for being so stupid and pledge to sacrifice – no! not a cow, you idiot, they are worshipped by the Indians and you don’t want to be seen upsetting those chili munchers – another politician, preferably one of the top leaders in order to free yourself from the curse of dumbness that is your future motherland.

TAURUS
Your bright sun will assuredly dim when you are caught out and sent to jail where arse hungry butch queers will wash your anus with vigour. The funny thing is that you will become extremely happy and marry one of them because you’ll finally be able to emerge from the homophobic closet where you’ve been hiding all these years.

GEMINI
Your dual personalities have ensured that you have one foot in your mouth and the other up your anus. Your general unthinking attitude has landed you in oceans of shit but you still do not learn because you’re factually simply too anal regressive and have moved so far up the arse-licking anus, that you can’t get out I predict that you’ll die in the shit. The unfortunate thing is, that might just be a pleasurable thing! Ughhh!

Zebulon DreadCANCER
Your domestic life is as woeful as your political aspirations. You simply don’t know when to say no! Calling your deviousness organic dissemination is really asking for it. You are a blight, a curse, a travesty of justice to justice. Soon you will be caught out and your feigned look of embarrassment will not save you from a hellish future as you cascade into the darkness of your hitherto hidden hypocrisy. Bastard!

LEO
Inherently a dictator, your roar is actually worse than your bite. You are the epitome of darkness hanging in the background awaiting your opportunity to pounce and devour the enemy. Your bloodied chest and fangs are without doubt sharpened against detractors but you must know that a pack of hyenas can chase any one lion up the tree. There are many hyenas around you, simply waiting for the time that you’ll get chased and then they’ll have a good laugh at your fall. Arrogance does not maketh the politician.

VIRGO
This is a favourable phase for manipulating social activities so that you might enjoy the cringing of the snivelling rats who are your superiors. Cast yourself in the limelight and organise an activity where they’ll be shown to be the stupid motherfucken dumb arses that they are. You are, according to your massive ego, simply by far superior to them in intelligence, wit, looks, charm, ability and potential. Actually, you are one of the most deluded, egotistical,flatulent, self righteous, creepy, wilful and quietly destructive motherfuckers that exist.

LIBRA
Your inevitable procrastinations seem like some semblance of intelligence at work, but you know that you’re simply stalling out of fear of making mistakes. Those who advance are not afraid of making mistakes nor admitting when they have done so. Your lily livered fear and oedipus complex is highly irritating and you can only get away with this for so long before someone realises that you are a nitwit. Now listen up, you mommy’s boy/girl, you are an individual, a person, a human. Stop snivelling, you damnable rat and get on with things. God, I don’t know who voted for you!! Fok!!

SCORPIO
You cannot rubbish everyone like that and expect people to like you. You are undoubtedly the most disliked human in your personal sphere hence you need that backbite to sting people when they’re not looking. You have done this too many times and should be aware that the baboon is still your mortal enemy. The other baboons in your social sphere are planning their revenge and you will be severely compromised when they leak documents proving your many faults. Your best bet is to go on a charm offensive.

SAGITTARIUS
Bold experiments are recommended now. Push yourself into the limelight while POLITICAL PROVIDENCE favours your endeavours. You are the possible saviour the nation has been waiting for but you must be careful to not reveal your secrets. Make sure that all your potential enemies are taken care of one way or another and seriously stop masturbating so much. Politics is a short career so make the best of it. Steal, rape, pillage, take, stake and stay awake. You could be dead very soon!

CAPRICORN
Devote unswerving attention to your ambitions. Do not let anyone or anything stand in the way of your advancement. You are the star in the firmament if you can stop all those meteors from erupting around you. Control the pus seeping from your mouth in the name of political speeches and you might well be the next opposition leader. Make notes because your forgetfulness will be your Achilles heel. Remember names, places and people because frankly, if you don’t, you too will be easily forgotten as the swarm of time engulfs you in the mediocrity that sits waiting to swamp you. Siestog! Arme ding! Ambition must be made of very stem stuff, or else! ! ! ! !

AQUARIUS
There is so much drivel surrounding you that you should survive for a very long time but just be careful of biting off
more than you can chew. No one will be around to perform the Heinrich manoeuvre should you choke on the effluent
you live off. My friend, change your diet or die! You are not, and I emphasise not, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius in politics! Good God, no!!

PISCES
You are by nature a miserable wretch who does not get much out of life and hence rape the company of others for some semblance of happenis! Happiness cannot be found in genitalia where so much piss flows from. Being Pisces you really don’ t have to drink anything that flows, you know. Your drinking problems stem from insecurity and will only be remedied once you go to Zululand and drink some of the local brews that will make you vomit and retch so much that you’ll be glad forever. Actually I don’t want to waste any more time on you.

 

 

These prophecies of Zebulon Dread feature in the lost issue of Hei Voetsek! available as part of the July 2014Chimurenga Chronic.

The edition gives focus to graphic stories and blends illustrations, photography, written analysis, infographics, interviews, letters and more to speak of everyday complexities in the Africa in which we live. Contributors include Binyawanga Wainaina, Native Maqari and Biyi Bandele, Fungai Machirori,  J.D.Okhai Ojeikere, Paula Akugizibwe, Lesego Rampolokeng and Mafika Gwala.

Buy the Chronic

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