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A Letter from Laura Bush

Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 05:43:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Laura Bush” <laurabush@hotmail.com>
Subject: URGENT!!!
To: chimurenga@panafrican.co.za

 

Most Esteemed Sir,

I write this day to offer you an unrivalled opportunity. If you avail yourself of it you will be a rich and famous man: this I guarantee.

The information I am about to impart to you is top-secret. My name is Laura Bush. You see pictures of my husband every day on television and therefore you believe that he is alive and well. In fact, my husband has been in brain death for several years. I am a faithful wife and a good Christian. If you are Jewish or Muslim, I like Jews and Muslims too. I do not know any Buddhists, but I am sure that I like them as well. Recently, I received a visit from the Holy Ghost. As I was kneeling in the Rose Garden asking for guidance from our Lord Jesus Christ, a dove alighted and told me: “Go forth, Laura, and become a very, very rich woman; it is what your husband wants, though he cannot say so because he is brain dead.” The Holy Ghost has always given me very good advice. “Speak to Dickey Cheney,” the Holy Ghost said; “he knows what to do.” Dickey Cheney works for my husband. He also works for a company called Halliburton. This is what I learned from Dickey Cheney: there is a lot of money to be made in condoms; they are a one-shot deal and people always need more. Predicting this ever-rising need, in early 1990 Halliburton secretly bought all of the rubber tree plantations in a small and unknown African country called Cameroon and started production on a super-condom. BMW and Mercedes Benz crash tests showed that the new Halli-Condom was the strongest ever: at 60 miles per hour it survived a frontal impact. It was never possible to market the Halli-Condom, however, because the pope in the Vatican and Billy Graham on the Trinity Broadcasting Network said condoms were the work of the Devil. The Halli-Condoms were moved to a secret vault in Switzerland, where they remain to this day. Today, you and I are in a unique position: with the right amount of money, we can open up the vault and begin selling Halliburton’s super-rubbers. Jesus Christ our saviour Himself has given us His permission: the Holy Ghost has assured me that this is the case. But our window of opportunity is small and shrinking by the day: this is a time-sensitive offer. The Halli-Condoms have a half-life of exactly eight years; in early 2006, they will all explode. Dickey Cheney has spoken to the new pope and to Billy’s son Franklin. They have agreed to give us exactly two weeks. During this time, and this time only, following a blessing ceremony broadcast worldwide, they will publicly endorse the Halli-Condom. We will be allowed to market it under the registered trademark “Halli(Luya) Condom: Come to Jesus.” To begin launching our product, Dickey Cheney has secured $ 300 000 000 from the American Congress; this money will be appropriated to airlift three hundred million Halli-Condoms, at one dollar a piece, and drop these on the small and little known African nation of Uganda, where there are currently few condoms. (A further $ 300 000 000 have been secured for Halliburton to rebuild any villages destroyed by falling condoms.) Thanks to my privileged access to the highest echelons of power, you and I are in a position to buy the entire stock of Halli-Condoms for the very reasonable price of $ 150 000 000. As you are a very fine businessman, you have calculated right away what this means: within two weeks, we can each double our investment! All that is required is that we each deposit $ 75 000 000 dollars in a bank account I have set up to this effect. Because I want you to trust me, however, I only ask that you deposit an initial sum of $ 1 000 000. As soon as you have done this, I will make the unprecedented gesture of depositing my full $75 000 000. You can then add the remaining $ 74 000 000 that you owe.

This is one of the finest and most risk-free business opportunities you will ever be offered. But we must act fast! If you reply immediately, we can begin work on this excellent project. But beware: I must impress on you the great secrecy of this offer! Do not discuss it with anyone! And remember: we only have two weeks to make our dreams come true!

Yours sincerely,
Laura Bush

Haiku

Summer: spin my lies
Fall: feast on foolish flies,
419ers lives.

I love 419,
Na dis dey feed my pickin
What else I fit do?

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